The Reason Most People are Unhappy
Psalm 23
Humans have an inherent and universal craving for more. Matt D’Avella, a life coach and proponent of minimalism, classifies this as a biological need that, when met, can greatily improve one's quality of life. Let's look at what this craving says about our relationship with God.
I came across some videos on YouTube by a kind of life coach named Matt D’Avella. One of his videos is entitled, The Reason Most People are Unhappy
Matt is a big proponent of minimalism—living life with the minimum amount of stuff. He begins his video by telling about a documentary he made with two other guys, traveling across the country, asking people the question, “How might your life be better with less?” To answer this question they talked with experts in the fields of neuroscience, sociology and psychology. What Matt wanted to know was,
“What can our understanding of the human mind tell us about the compulsive drive to consume? More importantly, I wanted to know the root of what makes us unhappy?”
Matt is suggesting that the root of what makes us unhappy is our “compulsive drive to consume.” We are discontent. But why do we have this compulsive drive? What makes us discontent?
Matt talked to neuroscientist Rick Hansen, the author of two books on happiness: Hardwiring Happiness and Buddhist Brain.
Matt asked Hansen, “What do you think is the biggest factor for most people’s discontent?”
Hansen gave a one word answer: “Greed.” He went on to explain,
“The average lower-middle class American lives better than Louis the Fourteenth. Yet still, though we have a lot, there’s always this something new to want…. It is a biologically based, delusional craving…. You’re like a puppet whose strings are being pulled by mother nature and evolution, reaching back tens of millions of years.”
According to Hansen we are “biologically” hardwired to constantly crave more, to live in a constant state of discontent, and that’s why most people are unhappy.
Is there anything we can do to overcome this?
Matt said that, “According to Rick [Hansen], humans have three basic needs: safety, satisfaction, and connection. When we check off, and, more importantly, internalize all three, things start to change.” Hansen said,
“When we register that our three core needs are met, when we really feel safe—authentically safe; when we really feel there’s an ‘enoughness’ in our life in terms of our need for satisfaction; when we really feel liked enough and loved enough, and that we have a good heart ourselves—we’re loving ourselves—when we feel that, the basis for craving, for more, more—maximalism—the basis for that falls away…. So then you engage life on the basis of feeling already safe, already satisfied, already connected. And when you do that, you’re much harder to manipulate through fear…. You’re much harder to manipulate through consumerism… you already feel full… from the inside out.”
The question I have is, “How do we get to the place of feeling really, authentically safe; feeling fully satisfied, feeling enoughness; feeling loved and loving myself—so that we will be content, we will be happy?”
Matt said, “Knowing this truth alone won’t change your life. Any massive change requires more than just understanding. It takes a daily practice to be mindful and grateful for the lives we have.” We need to tell ourselves and remind ourselves daily, until we convince ourselves that we are safe, satisfied, loved and significant (connected).
But what if we aren’t really safe, satisfied and connected? What good is it to try and convince ourselves that we are? The daily practice of being mindful and grateful is a good one, only if, in reality, you are safe, you have enough, and you are loved and significant. You can only be truly mindful of and grateful for that which you really have. Just a positive mental attitude is nothing more than a placebo that may bring relief for a while from the symptoms, but the cancer is still there and will eventually kill you.
“Massive change” requires more than understanding, more than the daily practice of being mindful and grateful. It requires massive change.
Hansen said humans have a “biologically based, delusional craving.” If by “biologically” he means inherent and universal, that is, that it’s in the heart of every human, he’s right. But Hansen is wrong about it being “delusional.” It is a craving that’s very real, it’s a craving for something very real, and it’s a craving that can be truly met.
Centuries ago, Augustine recognized an unhappiness, a discontent, a craving, a restlessness, not only in his own heart, but in the hearts of all people. In his Confessions, Augustine prays, “Thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it finds its rest in thee.” We were made for him. Our discontent, our restlessness is a craving for God that can be met only by God himself. When we have God, then, and only then, will the basic needs that Hansen identified—safety, satisfaction, and connection—be truly met. And when this need is met, then contentment and happiness will be the result, it will be the genuine fruit of our experience.
One of the most well-known and beautiful passages of Scripture is Psalm 23. Because the words are so familiar—”The Lord is my shepherd….”—and the actual experience of what David described so unfamiliar, it is not taken seriously. But we need to take it seriously. Does God exist? Is he real—not just something made up in your heart or head? Is the God that David described in this Psalm, the God who today, wants to be your shepherd? Can you enter into the same relationship with God that David described?
You can. The Lord can be your shepherd. And when you allow him to be this to you, you will find the true contentment that only comes from life with God. Read this Psalm slowly, thoughtfully. Do you see how the Lord meets each of the basic needs that Hansen identified—safety, satisfaction, connection.
The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
“When we register that our three core needs are met, when we really feel safe—authentically safe; when we really feel there’s an ‘enoughness’ in our life in terms of our need for satisfaction; when we really feel liked enough and loved enough, and that we have a good heart ourselves—we’re loving ourselves—when we feel that, the basis for craving, for more, more—maximalism—the basis for that falls away…. So then you engage life on the basis of feeling already safe, already satisfied, already connected. And when you do that, you’re much harder to manipulate through fear…. You’re much harder to manipulate through consumerism… you already feel full… from the inside out.” ■